CERTIFIED NONSENSE
CERTIFIED NONSENSE
Is the podcast where one man, one mic, and one slightly unhinged brain run wild. Hosted by CREIGORY , this solo show dives headfirst into everyday life, the weirdness of people and the random thoughts that shouldn't be said out loud-but are anyway.
Expect rants, stories, side tangents, and the kind of humor that makes you nod, laugh, and sometimes question my metal stability. No guest, no filters, just unapologetic nonsense straight from the brain that refuses to stay quiet.
If you've ever argued with your microwave, judged your neighbor's lawn too hard, or wondered if everyone else is just faking being normal-you'll fit right in here.
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CERTIFIED NONSENSE
The Unfiltered Rant Hour
Have you ever bent over backwards for someone who couldn't muster a simple "thank you"? We've all been there. Today's raw conversation dives into those frustrating friendships where gratitude seems impossible to extract, no matter how hard you work or how much time you invest. After spending four days fixing a friend's truck only to make things worse (and never hearing the end of it), I've learned some tough lessons about when to offer help and when to keep my skills to myself.
The emotional journey of parenting takes center stage as I reflect on attending my son's senior year football decal event. After 18 years of raising him and watching him play since he was four, the realization that these are his final games hits differently. There's a special kind of pride that comes with watching your child grow into someone you genuinely respect, even with the occasional "teenage moments" that drive you crazy. This generation has advantages we never had – immediate access to information, technology at their fingertips – yet sometimes lack basic skills we took for granted.
The episode closes with a thought experiment about superpowers that quickly spirals into hilarious territory. While teleportation would be my personal choice (imagine waking up in Texas, having espresso in Italy, and sushi in Tokyo before returning for Taco Bell), what would society actually look like if everyone had supernatural abilities? Airlines would become museum exhibits, politicians would be exposed by mind readers, and sports would be fundamentally broken. The truth is, humans would waste cosmic potential on hitting snooze 74 times or checking if their dog really loves them. Think about it – what power would you choose, and how quickly would you use it for something completely trivial?
So what's your superpower pick? More importantly, how badly would you abuse it? Let's be honest with ourselves – we all know what we'd really do with invisibility.
IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER
what up? Welcome to another episode of Certified Nonsense. I'm your host. As always, fucking Craig. What up? Peeps, how y'all been? How's the week been? Hopefully you listened to the first show. I know it wasn't great, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great.
Speaker 1:All we can do is keep getting better right, week after week. So you know, I've tried this. So many different ways of how we're doing this thing and how we are going to do this thing right Makes you wonder what are we doing? What am I doing? Who's listening? Anybody even listening? Probably not. So here we're going to do it this way.
Speaker 1:Fuck off, maybe I'm just talking to myself in a room. It's pretty cool. It keeps me sane. I guess I need this. I want this, I need this, I want this.
Speaker 1:I think it's not bad to talk about what I got going on. Let's talk about my doctor visit that I keep postponing for week on week on week. My wife's about to kill me. I promise you, if I don't die from something else, anyways, shoot. If I don't die from something else anyways. You know I should be going to get tested and I tried. And then I went to the doctor but with my gal they rescheduled, couldn't do blood work when he had an infection. Anybody else believe that shit I was just seeing. My wife didn't either. I've had a couple feigning spells Nothing big, nothing bad, maybe I just stood up too quick. A lot of headaches, but look, I'm drinking water water for the people.
Speaker 1:All I want to talk about today is the thankfulness. Friends, right, you ever got a friend that you know, no matter what, you're never going to get those two words from his thank you. You're going to get a head nod like, oh man, appreciate it, or man, you're the best. I don't know what I'd do without you. Sometimes you don't get shit, but you know, we know they're appreciative, right, they show it sometimes, sometimes, but no matter what, you're never going to get those two little words I don't thank you, I don't come to expect it anymore. Anyways, I do something for you. It's cause I've done it out of my own kindness. I guess I've also learned not to do shit for people unless it's my shit.
Speaker 1:You know, I worked on a friend's truck one time and I should have offered. But you know he needs a plate mounted, a couple bolts stripped out, drilled out. I said, oh man, you can drill it and tap it pretty easy. I got the first one done. Second one, the drill bit snapped in the hole. I hate to tell him. I said, man, it's just made things ten times worse. And you know, I worked on it for about four or five days. And of course that worked on it for about four or five days and of course I just made it worse. And what do you do when you make a hole worse? You put a bigger bolt in it, right? So that's what I did put the biggest bolt I could in there and cinched it down. I thought I fixed it.
Speaker 1:Well, come to find out he I didn't fix it and he didn't even tell me. I had to hear about it from one of my friends telling me about once again how I messed up. They always forget about all the good shit you do, right, but they're really going to rag your ass on the same shit over and over again. It's okay, I'm not looking for clout, I'm not getting for clout, I'm not getting credits, just saying, but the guy that I was helping out, he was a solid dude, you know he'd give his shirt off his back. So I didn't mind, I just hated the predicament we got into. You know, I got into felt Felt bad. I felt bad that he couldn't tell me that. You know he hit it, but he felt bad because I did work hard on it.
Speaker 1:But what you know, how do you actually tell someone, fuck off, I'm not helping. Or you know what I shouldn't even offer probably that's what I'm going to start doing is not even offering. They'll be like oh, that's bad, so shit. Sorry to hear about that. Man, really that's that bad. Okay, good luck with that. That's just not my personality. Though I try to help, I won't anymore. I did learn a lesson then. That ain't the first time. I'm sure it's happened with me because I was very helpful, but I do have a friend that that motherfucker won't say thank you to save his life. We uh, you know not that he should say thank you. We're friends.
Speaker 1:I got another guy. Man, you have a friend that tells stories so damn long. You're like what's the point of the story? And man, the stories are like forever long. But you put up with it because he's your friend, right, I'm sure they put up with the same shit from you, you know, but I think his mom was like you know, the old woman that lives in a shoe tells all these nursery rhymes and long stories. I think he should have been a writer. Maybe he was a writer. I feel like the book would be too long. Not that I'm reading the book anytime soon, but it would be a lot of. I'm telling you this to tell you that type words.
Speaker 1:But that fool went camping this past weekend. It's 108 degrees here in Texas. He went tent camping, tent in a tent. It's insane. It's insane. I'm sure it was hot. They were by a lake, but that don't help. You know the night sweats. I'm sure ain't no fucking way I'm going tent camping at 110 degrees anywhere. You're lucky I'd go. If you had a camper, would you go camping in this type of heat? If you did, I'm sure all these homeless people are thinking, if they are listening, going, we tent camp all the time. I'm sorry you live in an REI, you know showroom with all the tents out there. I guess it's better than nothing, right? I don't know, you got to be pretty homeless to live in a tent, right, get it Homeless tent.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I don't want to get any stupid jokes, so let's talk about politics. How fucked up are politics these days? You know? I actually voted for the guy that's in office and I tend to look at it and watch some of the stupid shit you hear on TV and you know I don't even watch the news anymore. I tell my mom, mom, quit watching the news. You know, just wait till the outcome of anything that happens, you're gonna know about it. I watch the news and worry about shit. You're not even sure it's gonna happen. It's all made up anyways. Once they come out with 24 hour news, it's all bullshit. They're all making their own opinion up. It's opinion bullshit. They're all making their own opinion. It's opinionated news. You know, I got a friend that watches the news constantly and feels like he knows, you know, like he's Wolf Blitzer, he knows it all. I don't know, maybe I'm just ranting, going off on a tangent right, maybe not. So yesterday I went to my son's decal with dad's. You know where you put the decal stickers on their helmets. You know it's his senior year.
Speaker 1:I was really really, really emotional about the whole deal in a way that you know, I definitely kept it in. But it's tough, man, when you've raised him. You know, for 18 years and he's played football since he was four. You know, you've coached a couple years and he's played football since he was four. You know you've coached a couple years and it's gonna be tough. It's tough to see him, you know, walk on that field for the last time. I don't know what I'll do. Sure I'll tear up.
Speaker 1:I'm not an emotional guy but for some reason, seeing that guy, you know, accomplish things maybe it's because I'm proud of him, I'm proud to be a dad, I'm proud that he's my son I feel like I raised a good kid, we raised a good kid. I don't think he would have turned out as well as he did if I didn't have my wife in the picture. I'm sure I would have screwed that up somehow, but he's a good kid. Yeah, he's got his dumb ass moments. Sometimes most 18 year olds do right teenagers, they know it all. So they can't change a fucking tire, you know. But how are you gonna fix that? You can't fix stupid. I'm not saying he's stupid, but teenagers are kind of stupid these days, you know. But then again they've got everything in front of them right.
Speaker 1:The shit that we had to search for, the shit that we had to do to, you know, research stuff. It's at the fingertips of them, you know. They have their fingertips with the technology the way it is today. Help porn alone. That that's unfair.
Speaker 1:I remember having to, you know, scan through all these stupid videos just to find the point. Plus, you had to find wait till you were home alone that's awkward jacking off in your room with, you know, your mom in the house. So you had to wait that. You know you didn't have freshest time to find out what was on these tapes or what was on this skinamax channel, the blurry lines. You see a nipple. You're like, oh, nipple, these motherfuckers can look at ass to mouth or double penetration at a blink of a hat. It's insane. The technology, the information is out there.
Speaker 1:You know AI is going to take over one day. It really is. I promise you Hell. How do you know this is not AI? Now I know how it's my grammar. You can tell I'm a real person. Ai wouldn't fuck up the words I use, damn sure wouldn't slur or breathe heavily. I guess I could program the air to breathe heavily, but who wants to hear that shit?
Speaker 1:You know I was watching the other day. I was watching porn. Speaking of porn, you ever seen Scottish porn? I wouldn't recommend it. It's a weird shit. And then you can't get over the old. You know Scottish accent. It's just I don't know something about. It just didn't sound right at all.
Speaker 1:And then I was watching porn and people. You need to lock your fucking animals up before you shoot a home movie. I seen two couples just welling after it. All of a sudden a cat fucking jumps on him, starts rubbing his cat. You know his whiskers on the fucking back of his lady trying to love on her. I'm like bro, put your pussy away. But you know, I guess they don't edit shit. I guess when you're in the moment you think it's great, you know you put it out there Kind of like my podcast, right, I feel like they're always great.
Speaker 1:Hell, half of them are. Half of them are just fucking bullshit rants that you know that I pull off. I'm usually pretty good at it, but it's hard to talk to yourself. How do I know you motherfuckers are even listening? How do I know you're even there? I got one for you.
Speaker 1:Here's one superpowers. Let's talk about superpowers. What superpower would you want? I myself would want transportation. Right, that would be badass shit.
Speaker 1:I'm not talking about being Batman. Batman is a superpower. Batman is a superpower. Batman is just a billionaire with unresolved childhood trauma and an Amazon Prime delivery, speed up his gadgets. I'm talking about real teleportation, mind reading, flying, super strength.
Speaker 1:Stopping time, here's where it gets fun. Not just that I'd want it, stopping time, here's where it gets fun, not just that I'd want it, but what would society look like if all these people had superpowers? I'm going to tell you right now It'd be wrecked. It'd be fun for like 12 minutes. Then all these stupid kids and humanity would be doing TikTok videos and making bad decisions. But being able to teleport, you know, being able to teleport, not like fucking Doctor Strange at Weirdo drawing sparkly circles in the air nonsense. I want you know. Instant blink, boom, bam, I'm somewhere else. I like you know instant blink, boom, bam, I'm somewhere else. I like I, jeremy, jeannie, I know most of you don't remember that show, but no traffic, no gas, no airlines.
Speaker 1:Imagine you told your boss yeah, I'll be there in a minute. You just woke up. Blink, blink, boom, you're there. Vacation Shit. You'd wake up in Texas. Blink, blink, boom, you're there. Vacation shit. You'd wake up in Texas. You'd have espresso in fucking Italy, sushi in Tokyo and be back in a moment's time to pick up Taco Bell, before the game starts. No jet lag just stomach problems from international cuisine back to back and really heavy shit. Airlines would collapse overnight. Delta American international cuisine back to back, and really heavy shit. Airlines would collapse overnight. Delta American Southwest it all turned into sad museums of what once was. You see kids on field trips looking at a Boeing 747 like it was a dinosaur. Back in the day people used to sit in these giant fart tubes for eight hours just to go to London.
Speaker 1:Imagine TSA. Tsa wouldn't have a job. No one's patting down for lotion bottles anymore. They'd have to rebrand TSA to Teleportation Safety Administration and all they do is yell at you, sir, you can't teleport to women's restrooms at Target. I mean, I guess you can. Target does allow different people in their restrooms, fucking transgenders, alright.
Speaker 1:So what if everybody had superpowers? The super strength world movers would be out of business. You're not paying anyone $200 an hour when grandma can bitch press a couch. But bar fights would be pretty cool. One guy throws a punch, half the bar turns into a crater. Insurance company would go bankrupt overnight, or mind reading Society would collapse in three days. Dating apps would go extinct.
Speaker 1:You wouldn't have to wonder if someone ghosted you. You just think, oh nope, you'd hear it. How about politicians? Fuck politicians would really be fucked. That'd be like the last speech someone you go. Hey, he's lying. He just thought the bill was good for his fucking donor.
Speaker 1:Flying flying would fucking ruin shit. Right? This sounds cool until you realize air traffic would be a nightmare. You'd have drunk dudes flying all over the fucking place. You look at your window and see todd from accounting hovering outside your window like a creepy hummingbird. The fuck is that about? What do you pause time? Stores would be empty. Kids would be a separate fucking test. Bank vaults would always be fucking empty. Society would never fuck shit again. You'd go to work like where's Bob? Oh, he's paused in a shower for six weeks.
Speaker 1:And sports? Let's talk about sports. We got superpowers. Sports would be ruined. Nfl gone who cares about the 60-yard field goal whenever we can kick it into orbit? Nba the WNBA would be good. Reesey would make every shot right. Everybody would be dunking from half court. Baseball, baseball forget it. It'd be 600 foot home runs. Pitching, throwing, mock 5. Games would be end up 74 to 68. I guess it would be interesting. I guess the only real sport you could play is Uno and Cornhole.
Speaker 1:You can't really fuck with those governments. They're never going to let that happen. Right, they'd be regulating superpowers like a driver's license. Sir, you don't have a flight permit, you get your ass out of the sky. Teleportation without passport stamp is a felony. Insurance companies would cash in. You know fire damage by your neighbor who accidentally sneezed flames? That's not covered unless you pay the super premium premium discount. You know the blackout market. You know doping.
Speaker 1:Some dude in the alley was hey, you want to upgrade from invisibility to x-ray vision? Cash only. The truth is humans would waste powers. You'd see teleportation to grab snacks from the fridge. Super strength, open up pickle jars, time control, hitting snooze 74 times. Mind reading does my dog really love me or is it just the treats? We'd all get this cosmic level of potential and immediately turn it into laziness. That's just who we are. So, yeah, teleportation is my pick. But if everyone had powers, nah, society wouldn't evolve, it wouldn't be utopia, it'd just be us with better special effects. Still the same nonsense, same arguments, same dumb TikToks, just more dangerous. We probably do deserve superpowers. Half of us can't even turn on, you know. Use our turn signals. Alright, that's it for today's episode. Think about it. What power would you pick? More importantly, how bad would you abuse it? Don't lie to yourself. You know you use inviolability, invisibility to look at weird shit. Catch you next time, stay insane. Thank you.
